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August 27

Today it finally hot me after the high of getting o to school. My dreams have been completely shattered. I always wanted to be a mom who was pushing the stroller to walk O to school. I always thought that was the role I would have in this family. Being an amazing mother to many children. Today, I realized, that I will never have that in my life, at least not to many living children. I feel so worthless. I walk O to and from school. At pick up, she has not much of anything to say to me except to critique the water bottle I gave her for lunch and Spanish was her favorite. When am I going to have an important role again? When am I am going to contribute to the family again? I am sick in this heat, I am exhausted bc of anxiety, I am hopeless bc of covid, and I am terrified to make friends. All the people I walk with do not accept me. I'm such an outsider, not only walking to and from school but also in my house. I was told in the beginning I was not good enough to marry K and now I'
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Recent posts

There She Goes

Today I feel really unloved. I feel trapped in this life of giving to others without getting anything in return. I feel so hopeless and so alone. My daughter is going to school full time, during covid, with no mask mandate, and high infection rates of Delta variant. I'm. Terrified. I also don't know what to do. I've written letters and no one seems to really care. I feel so lost and really scared. I don't want my daughter to die but I can't keep her here. I have to send her to school she needs their kids and she needs to be able to spread her wings. My heart is breaking. The last 6 and 1/2 years she's been with me. She's the best job I ever had and I'm not ready for it to be over. Our afternoons snuggling and reading books are some of the best memories I have in my life. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I have all these ideas for our house, but I have no money. I feel so stuck. I feel like I have no friends who really get me a
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Where To Go by Robert M Drake

Just help me today. I'm starting to let go of something that I've held on to for 7 years. My heart is ready. My heart is telling me it's time to let go and move forward. It's okay to grieve, it's okay to cry, it's okay to do whatever you have to do to feel it and let it go. I'm now in the process of letting go of Jonah who have held tightly for 7 years. I expect pain, crying, grieving, anger, all the feelings...but my goal in the end is to let him go. So I can have peace and he can have peace.
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Why I Write

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September 11

Do you ever stop and look at yourself in the mirror? Do you ever look at all those pieces that are broken? I do. When my husband's off work at the end of the day, when it's quiet in the house, and everyone's outside; I just look at myself and think "Look at all this shattered glass." How fragile our human condition is.  I try to think back to the very moment I shattered into pieces. Was it when was mentally abused by my uncle when I was small? Was it when I was bullied as a child for having red curly hair? Was it when my mother compared her body to magazines? Was it when I started comparing my body to other classmates? Or was it when I was sexually abused by someone much older than me? Maybe it was the moment that I was brainwashed to be this picture perfect fiance? Or was it when I was told I was never and would never be enough for anyone? Was it when I was told I wasn't good enough to be with the man I love by his own mother? Or was it when I was told I was
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It's good to be with someone who has been through hell...

This is me. I'm tying those shoelaces and waving to old demons.
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September 10

I couldn't sleep. I was laying in bed. I heard my daughter's voice, "Don't give up! We never give up!" The stinging pain of poison releasing from my body. I started to cry. For the first time in five days, I felt something at 11:11.  I can't give up on the freedom of being who I am by hiding myself from the world in fear of rejection or the inevitable loneliness. I can't give up on myself, on my healing journey. I can't push away people bc it's their choice to love me. It's their choice to choose me. It's their choice to leave but it's also their choice to stay. My body is reacting to September and trying to protect me. September is a hard month for me, in fact the last quarter of the year is. You see, September, my son Jonah was conceived as well as the twins. I'm reliving one of the most painful times of my life. The time I so happy only to have life ripped from body in 7 weeks. The happiness I felt to be pregnant with my son, to
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