August 27

Today it finally hot me after the high of getting o to school. My dreams have been completely shattered. I always wanted to be a mom who was pushing the stroller to walk O to school. I always thought that was the role I would have in this family. Being an amazing mother to many children. Today, I realized, that I will never have that in my life, at least not to many living children. I feel so worthless. I walk O to and from school. At pick up, she has not much of anything to say to me except to critique the water bottle I gave her for lunch and Spanish was her favorite. When am I going to have an important role again? When am I am going to contribute to the family again? I am sick in this heat, I am exhausted bc of anxiety, I am hopeless bc of covid, and I am terrified to make friends. All the people I walk with do not accept me. I'm such an outsider, not only walking to and from school but also in my house. I was told in the beginning I was not good enough to marry K and now I'm realizing how much it is true. O and him deserve so much better than me. They deserve an intelligent woman, who can do it all without fucking up, who isn't fat and out of shape, who doesn't huff and puff just to go to school. I'm such an embarrassment to them, and I'm seeing it so much more these days. Loneliness is hard but worthlessness is so much worse.