My Shattered Mirror

Today it finally hot me after the high of getting o to school. My dreams have been completely shattered. I always wanted to be a mom who was pushing the stroller to walk O to school. I always thought that was the role I would have in this family. Being an amazing mother to many children. Today, I realized, that I will never have that in my life, at least not to many living children. I feel so worthless. I walk O to and from school. At pick up, she has not much of anything to say to me except to critique the water bottle I gave her for lunch and Spanish was her favorite. When am I going to have an important role again? When am I am going to contribute to the family again? I am sick in this heat, I am exhausted bc of anxiety, I am hopeless bc of covid, and I am terrified to make friends. All the people I walk with do not accept me. I'm such an outsider, not only walking to and from school but also in my house. I was told in the beginning I was not good enough to marry K and now I'

Today I feel really unloved. I feel trapped in this life of giving to others without getting anything in return. I feel so hopeless and so alone. My daughter is going to school full time, during covid, with no mask mandate, and high infection rates of Delta variant. I'm. Terrified. I also don't know what to do. I've written letters and no one seems to really care. I feel so lost and really scared. I don't want my daughter to die but I can't keep her here. I have to send her to school she needs their kids and she needs to be able to spread her wings. My heart is breaking. The last 6 and 1/2 years she's been with me. She's the best job I ever had and I'm not ready for it to be over. Our afternoons snuggling and reading books are some of the best memories I have in my life. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I have all these ideas for our house, but I have no money. I feel so stuck. I feel like I have no friends who really get me a