September 10

I couldn't sleep. I was laying in bed. I heard my daughter's voice, "Don't give up! We never give up!" The stinging pain of poison releasing from my body. I started to cry. For the first time in five days, I felt something at 11:11. 

I can't give up on the freedom of being who I am by hiding myself from the world in fear of rejection or the inevitable loneliness. I can't give up on myself, on my healing journey. I can't push away people bc it's their choice to love me. It's their choice to choose me. It's their choice to leave but it's also their choice to stay.

My body is reacting to September and trying to protect me. September is a hard month for me, in fact the last quarter of the year is. You see, September, my son Jonah was conceived as well as the twins. I'm reliving one of the most painful times of my life. The time I so happy only to have life ripped from body in 7 weeks. The happiness I felt to be pregnant with my son, to only be carrying a dead baby without knowing it, having removal surgery at Thanksgiving, and having to have surgery around Christmas in December as the doctors didn't remove all his dead body from my whom. This is my first september as a mother to 3 dead children. 

I'm feeling so similar to the way I did with J. Secluded, shut down, numb, cutting for the sting of some relief: I hate this part of me. I hate that this is who I am right now. The only way to not hate myself is to keep moving forward. I need to breathe in the light and release this dark deep pain inside me. I need to keep working to feel these emotions even though my body is fighting me. I have fought for 10 months and it can't end this way. I can't end it this way by shutting down and building walls again. I need to allow myself to accept love from others, to accept I'm not alone, to accept that I'm safe with my persons: I want to believe this so badly. 

I need to keep going bc I always keep my promises. O's little voice pulled me from the dark to see reason. I'm so very grateful to be a Mommy to a child wise beyond her years. My darling capricorn, I will always love you.