My Shattered Mirror

Just help me today. I'm starting to let go of something that I've held on to for 7 years. My heart is ready. My heart is telling me it's time to let go and move forward. It's okay to grieve, it's okay to cry, it's okay to do whatever you have to do to feel it and let it go. I'm now in the process of letting go of Jonah who have held tightly for 7 years. I expect pain, crying, grieving, anger, all the feelings...but my goal in the end is to let him go. So I can have peace and he can have peace.

Do you ever stop and look at yourself in the mirror? Do you ever look at all those pieces that are broken? I do. When my husband's off work at the end of the day, when it's quiet in the house, and everyone's outside; I just look at myself and think "Look at all this shattered glass." How fragile our human condition is.  I try to think back to the very moment I shattered into pieces. Was it when was mentally abused by my uncle when I was small? Was it when I was bullied as a child for having red curly hair? Was it when my mother compared her body to magazines? Was it when I started comparing my body to other classmates? Or was it when I was sexually abused by someone much older than me? Maybe it was the moment that I was brainwashed to be this picture perfect fiance? Or was it when I was told I was never and would never be enough for anyone? Was it when I was told I wasn't good enough to be with the man I love by his own mother? Or was it when I was told I was

This is me. I'm tying those shoelaces and waving to old demons.

I couldn't sleep. I was laying in bed. I heard my daughter's voice, "Don't give up! We never give up!" The stinging pain of poison releasing from my body. I started to cry. For the first time in five days, I felt something at 11:11.  I can't give up on the freedom of being who I am by hiding myself from the world in fear of rejection or the inevitable loneliness. I can't give up on myself, on my healing journey. I can't push away people bc it's their choice to love me. It's their choice to choose me. It's their choice to leave but it's also their choice to stay. My body is reacting to September and trying to protect me. September is a hard month for me, in fact the last quarter of the year is. You see, September, my son Jonah was conceived as well as the twins. I'm reliving one of the most painful times of my life. The time I so happy only to have life ripped from body in 7 weeks. The happiness I felt to be pregnant with my son, to

Last night while I was trying to sleep, I thought came into my head. What if loneliness is meant to happen to teach us to be independent. I thought I found myself. I thought by opening up and being exactly 100% who I am would make me independent of others. I didn't anticipate the loneliness that would follow. Being 100% who you are all the time feels so amazing, but it also makes your life more lonely. By opening up, not everyone accepts you for who you are. The last two years I've lost so much. After those losses, I started losing friends. It's interesting to me because my losses are that of my children, the loss of my health, the loss of being comfortable by being part of the crowd. Once I started coming into my full being, and accepting who I am, that's when I started seeing a pattern. A pattern of people who come into my life and then left after I got sick or opened up about my darkest self. Why do we be so true and so honest to ourselves? Why does that feel so good

The last couple days have been really hard. I have been putting myself out there in the world. It took me a long time to do so. I never used to. I used to be very closed, very private, very strong....that's what my grandma would say. I had my suit of armor. I was safe. After October last year, after the twins were gone, I started seeking a lot of help emotionally from my therapist, my psychiatrist and my reiki practitioner. Slowly those walls started to be broken down. It was so much work to emotionally open up. To tell people my story. Explain my feelings, be emotional and know that that was okay. That it was okay to show "weakness". I didn't have to be strong all the time. Feeling emotions and living the emotions that you are having is being strong. Having strength to face what's in front of you and talk to people about your darkest and deepest thoughts, well that's true strength. You're not hiding your true self. Not be rushing around like the rest of t

This is my journal: my thoughts of darkness, my thoughts of light, and everything in between. There is no boundary here in my journal. This is a safe place for me. So here is a little bit about me... RM Drake really speaks to my soul and the stage of life that I'm in. A lotus flower is the very epitome of my life. I love Cardinals and doves. Cardinals because it is said that a soul is visiting you. I always think of my babies when I see them or my grandmother. Doves because they represent love and I love their coo. It's like they're saying: you are loved, you are loved, you are loved. I wear my miraculous medal every day and I've had it since I was 16 years old. I love rocks and feathers. I'm obsessed with modal pants. They are amazing and I could live in them every single day. I love ancestry. In fact, I'm researching all of my ancestry. For the day of the Dead this year, I'm going to have a beautiful binded book of all of our families ancestors to put on o